Renée (19) on Skins: “Why should I recover? It was beautiful to be a mess!”

Renée from Düsseldorf, Germany, has been struggling with clinical depression since she was 13 years old. When she was 15, she started watching the British show Skins. Skins made it seem like her depression was special and it even stopped her from seeking help. “Why would I work my ass off to get better, when being sick is actually special and romantic?”

Freddie and Effy, Skins: Company Pictures

You might know Skins from our previous testimonial about the show. Skins (2007-2013) was a British teen drama show that followed a group of teenagers through their life experiences. It dealt with subjects like depression, eating disorders, drug abuse, and death.

As a growing teenager, Renée felt a really strong connection with Effy Stonem, one of the main characters of the show. “In the show, Effy really struggles with her depression and self-destruction. She suffers from bipolar disorder as well and there’s this boy who tries to help her out of it. He tries his hardest to make her as happy as possible. He takes her on spontaneous trips and tries to make her feel good. In a way, it really romanticised her self-destructive behaviour as she was the tragic beauty about to be saved.”

“It seemed like it was kind of beautiful to be broken, like it was romantic to have your partner care for your wounds. As someone who is suffering from depression and bipolar disorder themselves, it was so intriguing. I wanted someone to come swoop in and make me feel better. The scenes really gave beauty to this sickness that I tried to recover from," Renée says.

To be a tragic beauty “I saw Skins right at the time when I wanted to recover and start therapy. However, seeing a character being viewed as special and beautiful because of her illness really stopped me. In some twisted way, I also wanted to be the tragic beauty Effy was. It really made depression, suicide and self-destruction seem beautiful and okay. I lost interest in seeking help for mine," Renée reminisces. “Why should I recover? It was beautiful to be a mess!”

"Being told your pain is beautiful, really makes you not want to recover."

“I know it’s not the intention of the show, but they made depression seem like no big deal. When you’re sick and someone tells you that ‘it’s okay to be like that, that it actually makes you special’, it’s the best feeling in the whole world. That’s why I think romanticisation is so dangerous: being told your pain is beautiful, really makes you not want to recover. You want to stay like this. To say it bluntly: Why would I work my ass off to get better, when being sick is actually special and romantic?”

When asked how Effy and her battle with depression were portrayed, Renée says: “I think they just needed to give Effy more time to establish her illness. She basically got depressed in the span of an episode. The creators should’ve spent more time in exploring what caused her depression. They also should’ve portrayed mental health problems as actual health concerns, and not as a ‘I will make a trip with you to make you happy and save you’-concern.”

"Reaching out to friends and experts is the best thing you can do, even if it seems scary."

Gaining back my life “A big part of my struggle was being in the wrong environment. I had very toxic friends that bullied me. But after a while, I found friends that actually care about me, friends I can talk to and who take me seriously. They helped me find the courage to start therapy. I’m doing so much better now than before. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts in 3 years and I’ve been clean from self-harm for a couple of months. I’ve learned to deal with my depressive episodes in a much healthier way and I couldn’t have done that without my therapist," Renée says.

“If you’re mentally ill, it’s hard to get out on your own. Reaching out to friends and experts is the best thing you can do, even if it seems scary. It will be worth it. I gained back so much life quality and learned to appreciate and enjoy my life.”

If you ever think about suicide or self-harm, and are in need of a conversation, then you can always contact the Suicide Hotline on the number 1813 or www.zelfmoord1813.be for Belgium. For international helplines, click this link.

Text: Janne Schellingen